And now we are three.

Kids, that is. A family of five.

I have been busy making a person, not doing much blogging.

42 weeks on the dot, on March 13th I began labor about noon and gave birth about 10pm.

We had another lovely birth at home. The kids were even here this time.

I am now a proud member of the 'mom of boys' club, and the 'I had my ten pound baby at home' club!

I am also a member of the 'I had a c-section' club from the first baby, and then joined the VBAC/ 'I had a normal birth after a c-section' club for the second child.

Home Swede Home Birth

The birth team- we hired a home birth midwife from Copenhagen, and the same doula from last birth.

Baby Hands

Yawn...

Finally settling in, 4 weeks later! Welcome SwedeBoy!!!

American Mother's Day

Sunday I slept late and woke up to find this lovely hand colored banner hanging in the kitchen. Swedegirl immediately showed me which letters she colored herself and told which ones her dad had done. Even the baby, just 14 months, was excited and walked me over and pointed up at it with a big grin, proud to show the surprise she knew was special for me.
Swedish mothers day is not until the end of the month, but this last Sunday was American Mother's Day. Last year, we did not do much for either one, and I ended up getting a little sad about it. So SwedeDaddy knew this year he was going to have to do something to acknowledge Mother's Day to keep me happy! SwedeGirl had a birthday party, so her dad took her and gave me the best present of all, a silent solo afternoon. I got to make a pot of real Starbucks coffee courtesy of the package my mother sent me recently, so I enjoyed that as her little gift to me. And I got to check in on the computer undisturbed and guilt free, and then clean without anyone making a mess in my wake.

So I got sometime alone on mother's day, and even got to go on a long walk by myself at my own brisk pace. On my walk I noticed a cool rocky hilltop spot with a fire pit, and thought it would be fun to surprise my family by taking them up there for a Mother's Day evening grill out. Swedegirl jumped up and down for joy first when she realized she was going to get to cook a hot dog on a stick over a fire, and again a second time when she realized I had packed marshmallows and prepared to make S'mores.

Take care of mom, let her have space, some time to think, some time to be, and she will always take care of you! If momma is happy....

I made this Mother's Day a day to enjoy and savor that I get to be a mom. So many of my older friends look back and say this was their favorite time, the time when their children were small . Looking around at the stick people and rainbow drawings, the mysterious arrangements of toys that are strewn around, and the bouquets of dandelions, and vitsippia, and dried lavander stuffed in vases that my girl proudly picked for me, and I can imagine what they mean. So I thought I would use my day as a chance to be a fun mom, and do a fun mom thing, make a camp fire in the neighborhood on a Sunday night.

As I cleaned I was thinking of a woman I never met, named Cyndy, from Miami Florida, most recently of Gothernberg, Sweden. She was participating in an online forum I am on, and I answered many of her questions about pregnancy and birth. She considered going back to Miami to have her baby, as she wanted her mother and sisters around her to share her joy after the birth. She was going to use a licensed midwife and have a birth center birth. I have only bits and pieces of her story, as it is with an online friend. I was waiting to hear from her, thinking perhaps someday we would meet. She went silent and I was looking out for word from her, wondering about this Floridan in Sweden about to give birth. Last Friday, one of her friends shared that she stayed in Sweden and gave birth in Gothenberg. On March 5th, began having some contractions, and after a long labor, her son was delivered by c-section on March 9th while she was under general anesthesia as the epidural anesthesia was not working. She died on the table. The day she died, I was lighting candles and singing happy birthday to my second child, celebrating her first birthday. Every March 9th, as I have a birthday party, there will be a family mourning the loss of this woman, on the day she gave birth to her first, and only child at age 30. Her son will never know her, and her family...well, they are in Florida, her son with his newly widowed father in Sweden.

I was pondering this news as I cleaned alone on my Mother's Day Sunday.... the irony that she had expressed the wish to return to the USA, to Miami even, to give birth. Sweden has some of the best outcomes for mothers and babies in the world, the USA, the worst as reported recently by Amnesty International in their report Deadly Delivery:Maternal Health in the USA. USA ranks behind 40 other countries in its outcomes for mothers in birth. The USA ranks behind Bosnia, Herzegovina, Slovakia, Slovenia, Estonia, Lativia, Lithuania and more. Two women every day in birth in the USA, and and many more have life threatening complications that will impair them. Maternal mortality rates are bad and rising, they have increased from 6.6 deaths per 100,000 births in 1987 to 13.3 deaths per 100,000 births in 2006. In New York city, the rate of death is 83.6 deaths per 100,000. for black women. But Cyndy did not go back to Miami, the american town with the highest c-section rate in America. She gave birth in Gothenberg. And died, in birth.

There were many families grieving the loss of a mother in birth this Mother's Day. A close friend, whose birth I posted about in February, contracted an often fatal postpartum strep A infection, and four days after she gave birth was in a coma hanging onto life by a thread. Another woman in Texas, Katy Hayes, contracted the same infection five days before my friend, and was just moved now out of the ICU, and is now a quadruple amputee. My friend was lucky and has made a full recovery, but she will forever wear the scar of the experience of being in a coma for the first weeks of her baby's life, and we who love her are all forever changed by going to the place where we were not sure she would live through the night.

So this year, for Mother's Day, I was simply and profoundly grateful to be asked by my girl to hold her hand and walk at her pace as we made our way through the forest. I paid attention when she presented me with yet another bouquet of wild flowers. And at the fireside, I wondered why it is I hear my own mother's voice in my head when I say 'perfect golden brown' in regards to a marshmallow as I instruct my daughter on the fine art of toasting them. Is it because I remember my mothers voice and her instructions to me? How lucky I am to have known that voice, and to be able to be that voice for my girls.

The hike, the bouquet, the baby on my back

Building the Fire

So a toast, raise your marshmallow sticks!!!

To all the Moms

You are Irreplaceable

(for sound track scroll to 3:12 on this video, not savvy enough to make it just that clip for you)

So how is my Swedish?

How am I adjusting to living abroad?

I understand some Swedish.....
Like when he says 'Donut!'

When my daughter brought an invitation to a party home from school, she wanted to know what it said so I read it aloud in my phonetic swedish. As I fumbled along pronouncing things the best I could, she quickly proclaimed 'You do not speak Swedish and I have no idea what you are saying, I am bringing this to dad to read!' If your 5 year old says your pronunciation is unintelligible, the grocery clerk will likely think the same.

Coming back from our winter pappaledig trip in Florida required a long settling in period. We had the fun of returning to snow, being the only people out still enjoying snow ball fights in mid February. We came back to the insulating quiet of Swedish winter when people do not feel overly social. But mostly, it has been a period of reckoning for me.

We moved to Sweden in July 2008 after a long and intense stressful time, which required we just unwind and settle in when we arrived. It was fine to not know anyone or feel like doing anything. I was pregnant, in a new country, and burned out from our life in the USA. I began Swedish classes, only to back out 2 months into it, when I realized simply getting used to a new country was plenty without trying to master the language right off.

I recently described moving to a new country as living in a new font. Things are the same, yet everything is just a little .....off. It is really something to be where you can not read a single street sign, understand the ingredients in the products you buy, or calculate and understand what something costs. I think in dollars and pounds, not kronors per kilo. And what products are sold here that I am used to, what can I replace with a Swedish option, what should I just live with out, what new delight can I incorporate, and what does my momma need to spend too much money to send me?

After living here a year, I am astonished by how accustomed I am to not knowing what the hell is going on ever. Sure, I understnad things alot more, and can shop now, but so often I do not know what things mean. I am just used to it. But I still snicker and anglisize funny words like Snogleholm.

I am a good outsider though. It helps to have been a home birth midwife in the USA. I had to be an authoritative and tough skinned outsider interacting with the medical system, functioning on my own but along side a system that thought what I was doing - helping people have babies at home- was nuts. Being a midwife gave me a tough skin, I am used to being different and confidently doing my own thing. Knowing it is okay to do it my way, even if most others do it a different way, or outwardly balk at my way. Live and let live....what others think of me is none of my business, as Louise Hays would say. So put that in your Snogleholm, Sweden.

Yes, Sweden is a western country, and many things are similiar, but I do not think a Swede can really grasp the amount of energy required to settle here after coming from the USA. Americans are not used to having any other culture around them....they can drive for miles and days and the politics, street signs, stores, and workings of everyday life are the same. Europeans are used to being immersed in new places, each village is a bit different, and it is not long to travel before you are in a place with a new language and street signs. They have never lived under the illusion their country is the center of the universe, and there is only one way to do things. Americans, no matter how worldly, come from a place that is very large, and very uniform.

When we first arrived, I would not order a coffee by myself, answer the phone, talk to a teacher or neighbor, get gas, or do many basic things by myself. I simply did not know how anything worked. It was very disempowering, but, at first, when I moved , there was huge facade all around me that was just .....different....yes, still gas stations, banks, libraries, and coffee shops, but at any turn there were assumptions and words and interactions expected I did not understand. The first time I was by myself in the city I was going to get money out and go to the cafe, have a snack, and wait for my husband. I went to the ATM, and could not get money out as I did not know which buttons to push, as it was in Swedish with no englsih option. If you are living in Florida and are annoyed everytime the ATM asks if you would like English or Spanish, have some compassion! I ended up stepping away, pretending to fumble around my purse for a receipt, and spyed on the person who was in line after me to see what buttons they pushed. It turns out KLAR, which sounds like CLEAR, which would end a transaction, is the enter button. Another time, I went to the bathroom in a gas station and everyone was looking at me whenI walked out,....what was my fly down, toilet paper hanging off my foot? No apparently, instead of turning on the light, I had pushed the emergency 'I have fallen and can not get up button' (they do not have that in USA!) when I went in the bathroom and everyone was staring to see what my crisis was.

When you first arrive, you never know what you do not know, and every interaction is a chance for something weird and stressful to go on. I coped by insulating myself as much as possible, staying home, and having my SwedeHusband handle the household business. Then the baby came, and I was wrapped up in the care of a newborn, then summer and exploring Sweden, then planning a three month trip back in the USA, then the trip, and NOW. We came home. To Sweden. And here I am.

So it has been two months since we came back and Spring has sprung. Life is full of tiny shoots of potential. I look in my garden, where I have planted seeds and think it is such an act of faith to grow things from seed. I was sure those carrot seeds were bunk, but they are just long germinators, and now 21 days later there are feathery shoots of green poking out of the soil. My life here is like my garden, so many old dead branches recently trimmed and cleared, so many sprouts, and I wonder which will live and thrive and which will die. All those close packed Tuscan kale seeds in my garden can not possibly come to full size, and if you saw the huge number of beech seedlings on the road side fighting for their chance to be trees, you'd hate to be the one to break them the news......And so it is with my life, so many options, and no certainty of what will still be growing next season.

A few things for sure, it is simply time for me to learn Swedish. And make some decent friends, and figure out my working options.

When I left the USA, I made a quick prayer, please god send me just one friend for when I get back. And so I think I found this friend, and she turns out to be an american linguist bent on helping me with my Swedish of all things! The story of how we met touches on another shoot, my birth-y working life. So with in two weeks of returning to Sweden, one single experience got to cover my three main bases.....friend, language, midwifery.

When we got back from USA, I was immediately asked to be a doula for an american woman who has the same name as me, from Florida even. I have not doula-ed in Sweden, but this woman had wanted a home birth and had tried to contact me earlier in her pregnancy to see if I could do it. I have no midwife license in Sweden, and Sweden has said they will not grant me one, so we never met as it was not an option. This pregnant woman was not impressed with the experience level of the Swedish home birth midwives, so hired a doula to be with her children and planned a hospital birth. Her doula unexpectedly had to move near her due date, so they asked me to be the replacement doula. We met and it was a great fit. Two weeks later I answered the birth call and went to her home, only to find her in the middle of booming labor, with no time to get her to the car, but just enough time to help her husband wake the children, gather some towels, and catch their new baby daughter in their dining room. A two hour labor start to finish, and a sweet, wonderful and welcome surprise home birth!

And so several magical things happened at once in this birth- she got her much wished for homebirth, I found myself playing midwife in Sweden, and we became friends. I attended the births of all of SwedeGirls friends in the USA, and it has long been my joke I do not know how to make friends except by delivering someone's baby, and so....here it was, the one friend I had hoped for. And she is a linguist, and part of her gratitude for me helping her with her great birth has been to heap language materials on me. Yes, it is time. I have to learn more than Bort, bort, bort bort now. And I also have someone, an american, ECing, baby wearing, home birthing (with me!), stay at home mom to go to the park with as well now...

The excitement of the birth got me considering my options, I had acted as a midwife in Sweden ,and it was so right!!! This woman got what she wanted, it was wonderful for my skills to be of use to someone, someone here in Sweden! I called the Swedish licesning authority once again about becoming a midwife here. I have a 4 year university degree and a 3 year midwifery degree, and ten years experience working and running my own clinic. Almost 500 births. Sweden says if I have no nursing degree, and a non EU license, I would have to go to nursing school to get a Swedish license. They did not even want to send me the application! I called the university midwifery department to see if they had any ideas, they echoed the same thing.

I looked into becoming a doula (though I hated doula work- going to births and not being in charge of the medical decisions- when I was in the USA), teaching childbirth education (where to find enough people to make it worth the time and money, I hate doing self promotion), teaching water prenatal classes (lots of effort for little money), or baby swim instructor. Perhaps a degree in public health and promoting Mother Friendly Childbirth Initiative in Europe?

On the plane home from USA we sat next to a Danish family coming back from a beach vacation in Mexico. The dad worked in HR in a Copenhagen hospital. I told him about my inability to work in Sweden, and he suggested I apply in Denmark, reassuring me they have a good language program for foreigners and a critical need for midwives. Denmark trains midwives directly and not via nursing, so they are more likely to recognize my education. Copenhagen is only an hour away, and if I work three years in Denmark, Sweden would honor the Danish license and grant me a Swedish one under EU treaties.

So I have the things I need here to apply for a Danish midwifery license.

And a pile of media to help me learn Swedish.

And a mom friend to get out with.

I am no longer phazed by ATMs, gas pumps, and coffee clerks. I can function here, even if I do not know what my child says to her friends or cousin.

I do not know where I am going but here I am.

Which of these shoots will sprout?

Spring has just begun.

I wonder what will come into bloom.

Soul Sisters

I got to attend my soul sister in birth the eve of my departure from Florida to Sweden. It was one sweet birth, the love so BIG. She now has three little ones, three little birds.

A gorgeous momma

Supported by many loving hands

A beautiful family

When she had a party before the baby was born, she had this song sung to her by those who love her, on her request. It was her message to YOU, you, you!! So rise up and smile at the rising sun. Our community warmly welcomes the newest baby boy to the tribe.

Welcome Charlottte Elizabeth!

My sister had a baby July 13th, and this sweet new neice is Charlotte, from Charlotte, NC. Congratulations, sister. Charlotte and her sister Victoria now both bear the names of queens and geographial locations.

Isn't she cute?

Hedgehog Medicine:
Rising American Maternal Mortality rates,
and a call for the help of any quilters out there.

When I was talking to my friend Laura at Snip-n-Snail (click for link) about The Remembering the Mothers Quilt Project (click for link) (a quilt to remember american women who have did in childbirth) I kept seeing hedgehogs. Suddenly, they were all over my backyard!

I have never in my life seen a hedgehog before.

When an animal makes itself very obvious to me, or gets my attention like that, I like to receive it as a message. I google animal medicine or totem for that animal, and see what it's meaning has been to cultures that believe mother earth is a living, communicative being.

Here is what I found about hedgehog- it is the symbol of elder female wisdom. It is associated with fertility, and also the sun since it comes out in the summer season. Since it is nocturnal, and has poor vision, it is associated with psychic ability, prophetic dreams and visions, and particularly the knowledge of the weather, and knowing when it will rain. It is immune to snake venom, and so it is a native American symbol of the triumph over evil, and the defeat of death.

The animal walks close to the earth, and knows how to center itself by curling into the fetal position. It knows how to protect itself, and keep its environment clear of threatening energies, and always lands on it's feet. It is a symbol of the balance in work and play- being resourceful, strong, but playful.

Laura is planning a panel with the support of one of the founders of The National Organization for Women to bring attention to the very high and rising maternal mortality in the USA, and the utter lack of any tracking of the actual numbers or causes. Ina May Gaskins, midwife/ female elder conceived of The Remembering the Mothers quilt project to bring attention to this issue and will sit on the panel. The panel will be on November 1st in Sarasota, Florida, which is also the day of the dead. A good day to remember the mothers that have died. It will be a landmark forum, as previously this issue has received little attention from the feminist leadership and has not been recognized as the public health crisis it is with in the USA. It is an issue of global interest, as American birth practices are getting very bad results for both mothers and babies on a public health level (evidenced by the highest infant mortality and morbidity rates of the western world), yet the american birth models and practices are still being copied by other countries through out the world.

I hope they are blessed by 'hedgehog medicine' in their endeavor. That they walk with the wisdom of female elders, and can 'defeat death' by bringing awareness to the issue of high/climbing American maternal mortality rates, and lower them. And that Laura can protect herself, be balanced, and have fun along the way.

If you are a quilter, or know one, please ask them to contact Laura and help "Remember the Mothers" by making a quilt square for a woman who has died giving birth in the USA in the last 30 years (click here for link).

This post (click for another link) is a call to for quilters to help creates squares to remember women, and has specific names of women who need to be represented in a special quilt dedicated to women who have died of amniotic fluid embolism (AFE) . AFE was once a very rare complication that has now become staggeringly common and is suspected to be an (as of yet unrecognized) complication of induction of labor, specifically assocaited with the use of the prostaglndin drug cytotec. Laura has not gotten the quick response she has anticipated from quilters on this, so please do what you can, and pass the word on to freinds that can help so this project can be completed soon.

Nursing Mother News Flash

Perhaps its my own blind spot, since as a midwife my care of women concluded at 6 weeks. My knowledge of the terrain after that time is limited to my own experiences and those of my friends- I do not have the benefit of many women's stories experiences after 6 weeks, in the same way I do before. It's a weird thing- seeing a woman every week for so long, then not seeing them much after 6 weeks...Of course our birth center had groups and classes that regularly gathered, but still.

It seems I forgot a really, really important thing about being a nursing mother.

You are really, really, really hungry.

Maybe that sounds dumb, that that is a news flash. But I just realized I have been kind of spacey, kind of grumpy, kinda of ineffective for a few weeks. I do not think it's hormones, it's hunger. I just virtually kicked my four year old out of the way while on a rampage to get to the blender to make a smoothie. I NEED PROTEIN. Do not get in my way!

Meanwhile, I noticed I was losing lots of hair in the shower (a mysterious and commonly reported occurrence around three months postpartum, the main thing I did get calls about postpartum as a matter of fact. Now, I am sure it is lack of protein). My nails are thin, my hair is falling out, and I am starving. And I have not been that into chicken or any meat, and have been paying a lot less attention to my protein intake than when pregnant.

Well, the baby took the whole pregnancy to reach 8 pounds. She now weighs 15 1/2 pounds, having almost doubled her weight in the last three months. I am still building her body, but with my milk alone. No wonder I am starving. Moo.

My insta- smoothie I just whipped up was a variation of a smoothie recommended in Robin Lim's "After The Baby's Birth" book.

A scoop of egg white protein powder, A handful of almonds blended in a coffee grinder with a date, to a paste, a cup plus of Milk, a half cup or so of Coconut Milk, and a big pinch of cardamom. I figure that smoothie has about 40-50 grams of protein. I made two.

Robin's book also recommends keeping a pot of Chichiri on the stove- basically quionoa and lentils with Indian spices, so you have a quick good carb/ high protein snack on hand. I may have to start doing this. She has fairly recently published a cookbook for nursing moms. I am really thinking I may need to enlist Amazon-dot-UK to deliver it to my door, and remind me what it is I can prepare and eat while my four year old and baby seem to be commanding most of my attention.

So, new moms, don't forget to plan what to eat after the dust settles, life has moved on past the birthing time, but you are still growing a person with your very body.

Time for me to recommit to taking multi vitamins, calcium, omega-3's, and having good protein meals and snacks around. Off to make a pot of nursing tea, I guess.

One month.

My baby is almost a month old! She has gained about two pounds, and can hold her head up well, and gives lovely milky smiles.

I have been busy relaxing to recover. I had a bad back injury after birth last time, so I am trying to be very careful and actually take it easy. I have ingrained in me the 40 days of rest and recuperation that midwife Robin Lim encourages in her book 'After the Baby's Birth' that keeps with the traditions of many cultures around the world in that it is desirable to protect and guard the energy of the mother and baby in their newly born, wide open state. So we have made one trip to the grocery store, and a trip into town and to visit relatives for dinner yesterday. We are primarily in a state of cocooning over here. I am doing alot more this week, but still sticking close to home.

And my mom is visiting now from the USA.

But I am also having a blog identity crisis. Is this a blog to keep my family updated? A birth topic blog, since I am a midwife? An expat blog? A mom blog? All of the above. But the diversity of my ruminations make it kind of none of the above. I am thinking of splitting my writing, family stuff one place, Sweden stuff elsewhere, birth things elsewhere? But who is made of these really clear distinctions?

I kind of fantasize about just a straight Sweden-only blog, almost like it would just be more impersonal travel writing. But I also like to share the world through the eyes of our family, and our particular view of things- the friends, relationships, and passions particular to us. We will see how I feel when I get to writing more again.

Maybe it's just a reflection of my postpartum lack of identity- I planned to come to Sweden and have a baby. Now I have a baby. So, my thinking is moving towards what next, even if I am not ready to make a move just yet.

A Labor and Birth Story

Click on the picture below for a PG-rated photo montage of labor and birth.

(Windows Media Player will open, and please be patient, it might take a while for the video to start playing)

New Baby Land

SwedeBaby

So that's where we are, floating in new baby land.... I feel a bit run down, and am sleeping lots, but feel TONs better than I did after my c-section birth, which is making me oh so grateful for the great home birth we had. Maybe I'll get a post in sometime about the birth, about labor. Wow. It was hard, but great, too. If it's gonna be hard, I say let it be at home and in a big warm tub of water, though, for sure! If I am going to be uncomfy, let it be in the best of possible circumstances- as it was.

I have not had the energy for all keeping all my favorite postpartum aids coming until today. I made a new batch of postpartum tea, my special favorite healing soup, and need to refresh some other healing aids. It would be lovely to have had a helper around who could magically do all that for me, who knew just what to do already. But life is pretty good having support of Swededaddy so I can rest and focus on baby.

I am sleeping lots, but the SwedeDaddy is doing dishes, getting food ready, entertaining the 4 year old, who is adjusting and a bit demanding. So he is pooped. He is asleep now, and I think it's his first real recovery sleep!

So life in new baby land....The baby sleeps, makes a little grunt, and nurses, and grunts again later indicating a need for a diaper change, but other than that, life is easy. She is sleeping, nursing, and has eyes open a few hours a day to stare lovingly at the closest available family member.

In terms of is first baby harder or easier? First was way harder, this seems *almost* easy now. It was such an adjustment then, and I was in so much more pain and it was all just more trying, more drama. However, what we have gained in benefit from experience, and in terms of less pain from a better/ recovery period, is made up for by having an energetic other kid around. She is overall doing very well. She likes to play baby and do what the baby is doing (fake crying is a very annoying sound, by the way), and is just recently 4. Which means she is like a big puppy now anyway, romping and playing and needing to learn how to be gentle and move slowly near the baby. Her pace is a step up from sleepy new baby land, for sure!

She has a name now, but since I don't use them on the blog, you'll just have to email me to find out!!!

SwedeBaby FeetSwedeNakeyBabySwedeSistersSwedeSisters Cuddletime

Proud Sister

Recovering MommaSwedeBaby! Welcome SwedeBaby, The Zero Birthday Party. Me and My Girls!Pooped Papa

Sleepy Swedie Pie

Announcing: Our Second Baby!!!!

A girl born 3-9-09 at home in the water at 1:30 am, weighs 8.2 lbs/ 3.7 kilos.

So 'second baby' what we still call this sweet new daughter, who we thought would be a son! We had a good boy name....

Turns out my last post was an early labor project, things began while writing it, and picked up from there, resulting in a baby born in the wee hours of Monday morning.

Everyone is well, healthy, and tired!

Fresh out!

Welcome to the world!

Dad and daughter crash at the end of Day 1

Sister cuddles

On the blanket made by our friends for the new baby! The strings from our blessing way, time to cut them off!!!
This baby gets to be welcomed to the world by it's Swedish Family!!!